


we looked like giants

by nagatha_christie



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Body Image, Desire, Established Relationship, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Related, Intimacy, Marijuana, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Romance, Sensuality, Slice of Life, Strap-Ons, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagatha_christie/pseuds/nagatha_christie
Summary: "You want to give this another go?" Nick asks, motioning toward the proud glitter dick she's still wearing. Her luxurious bush presses against the confines of the harness, refusing to be contained. Nothing about Nick is containable. It's why Mesh is so bloody in love with her.
Relationships: Nick Grimshaw/Meshach Henry
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	we looked like giants

**Author's Note:**

> here is the [glitter dick.](https://girlyjuice.net/review-godemiche-ambit/) here is the [song ](https://open.spotify.com/track/4sD9nPRNqWww4mADeEfJhi) that provided me with the title.

Nick comes out from the shower dressed in just her tiny pistachio-green robe and ruffled white crew socks. 

“That’s a look,” Mesh cackles, loud enough Nick can hear it across the room.

"What?” Nick crosses her arms. “I know better than to walk barefoot on a dorm room floor."

"It's not that messy." Mesh glances around from his camp-out spot beneath the quilt. "For _instance_ , the _bed_ is immaculate."

“I noticed..." Nick says, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

Mesh pats the spot beside him. “I tucked the corners in just for you.” 

“So romantic.” Nick laughs indulgently. "How you feeling?"

"Horrible." Mesh groans. "Like, two heating pads horrible."

"Awww, poor babe." Nick lays down beside him and cuddles in close, wrapping her arm around his shoulders.

"I don't know _how_ I'm gonna get through my exam later." Mesh frowns. "With the worst cramps ever, and feeling all tired and weird from Shark Week."

“Mesh.” Nick softens. “You’re gonna pass. You know you are. You studied all week. I know, cos I quizzed you."

“I know. I'll do bits. It just doesn’t feel like that."

"Exams are scary. Trust, I had panic sweats earlier at mine. That's why I had to shower."

"Your panic sweats smell the same as your regular sweats."

"Very nice. Thank you, baby." Nick makes a face.

"Kidding. You smell good all the time."

"Can't take it back now." Nick laughs and leans in to kiss Mesh, cupping the sharp curve of his jaw as she leans in. "It's on account of the estrogen, reckon. You have so much sweat to look forward to on T."

"Let's change the subject, yeah?" Mesh bites his lip. "I'm kind of scared about the T. Needles and body changes and all."

"Bad-scared or excited-scared?"

"Little of both, I guess." Mesh shrugs. "Like with anything new."

"I was excited-scared when I asked you out."

"Come off it, you were not." Mesh nudges Nick in the shoulder. "You're not afraid of anything."

"Only rejection."

"Oh..." Mesh snorts a laugh. "That's too real."

"So, yes, I _was_ bricking it. Cos you're so handsome and talented, and I didn't want to muck it up."

"You're flattering me. What do you want?"

"Nothing, really." Nick bats her eyes. "Just you, me, a joint, some cake, and maybe a little hanky-panky."

"Who said anything about hanky-panky?" Mesh is grinning ear-to-ear.

"Oh, just wishful thinking." Nick gives her titties a little bounce and then grabs herself, flinching. "That always looks fun but actually kind of hurts."

"I enjoyed it." Mesh gives her the attention she's after. "You're so peng."

"We should celebrate. On account of our academic success, and on account of I've heard orgasms really help with cramps."

"Okay," Mesh says, biting his lip. "But I come first."

"Like you don't always..." Nick scoffs under her breath, teasing. "Yeah, can do." 

"You're so good to me." Mesh preens. He leans in and kisses Nick, his hand running up to stroke her copper wig. Aimee must have set it this morning, but with the humidity, the curls fall flat around Nick's face. The brassy orange sets off her big green eyes when she catches Mesh's gaze.

"Give me some of that green." Nick says. "There's a boy I have to forget."

"Who is it this time?" Mesh asks. "Your dance card is full to bursting."

Mesh reaches for his stash tin, running his fingers along the curling edges of the photographs pasted onto the tin, all the edges of all the drag queen photos covering each other like leaves on a crowded autumn tree. The matte finish of the glue conceals most of the details, and the color smears blinding white across bits. A sloppy, heartfelt collage.

When Mesh was growing up, Mesh’s mum and dad thought it was just a little tin for twinkling stud earrings, or better yet, a safe place to store the lipstick Mum had always gently suggested, or the white ruffled bobby socks not unlike the ones Nick has on right now. It _had_ worked: they’d never looked. 

But reckon the habit stuck. Mesh doesn’t need a secret tin now, but he keeps one anyway.

Nick perches on the edge of the bed, fumbling with her lighter. 

She's sweaty as she takes a hit of green, leaving it smoldering as she passes the pipe back to Mesh. Her forehead is glistening, eyes unfocused.

She's sweaty and she's beautiful, not like it needs be said. 

"Here." Nick pokes Mesh in the arm, taps her fingernails on the lip of the bowl. "Take it, babe."

Mesh is still looking at her. 

"What?" Nick says. "Do I look alright?"

"You just have a lil something..." Mesh reaches out, their thumb stroking the corner of Nick's mouth, smearing her perfect red cupid's bow. 

"Rude..." Nick wipes off the red with the tips of her fingers, lipstick smudging on her cheek like a crushed cherry. She shrugs and leans down, bringing Mesh in to a deep, sloppy kiss. Mesh doesn't need to glance at the mirror to sense the lipstick smeared over his own lips, like a badge of honour.

Mesh takes one last kiss before grabbing the pipe from Nick to smoke a bowl. He feels it immediately, limbs gone all heavy and wobbly, mind gone cloudy.

"So it's the one who fancies Annie Mac almost as I do—not in a strange way—and can do _Rap God_ during karaoke even better than I can." Nick inhales. "He's taking so many night classes I barely get to ‘hang out’ with him.”

“I… think I remember.” Mesh clicks his tongue. “Oh, the one with the Gordon Ramsay face and the Zayn Malik bod?”

“No, it’s the other way round.” Nick shakes her head, weirdly intense about this, and then stops, rubbing her temple and closing her eyes. Then she smiles at Mesh weakly. “Doesn’t matter, I guess. It’s whatever, ‘cause he’s rubbish.”

“No way….” Mesh gasps, less out of faith in Rap God Bloke and more out of surprise because Nick's dead charming, in her own way.

“Yeah, swear down.” Nick nods, lips pressed in a flat line. “We had a little DTR chat—yeah, I know, the one I always avoid, but I did it this time and … it all went to pot.”

Nick begins chewing the corner of her thumb, her pursed lips maraschino pink, like her nails, bitten to the stubs, just the kind of week it must have been—and drops Mesh’s eyes.

Mesh waits, but just a moment, following the weed smoke with his eyes as it emerges from his swirled glass pipe. “What’d he say?”

“He was like, _y’know, I fancy you, but m’just not attracted to you. Sorry. Go fuck yourself. Et cetra._ It’s only been fifty dates, right, so I guess he didn’t have the time to mention that earlier.” Nick scoffs and reaches for her pack of cigarettes, speaking with one poking out the corner of her mouth. “Which, I mean, not like I can hold that against him. Not everybody’s gonna fancy me, I know. Believe me, I do.” 

"Yeah, but. It still hurts." Mesh nods supportively and rubs her shoulder. “You’re an acquired taste. A flawless cult classic, if you will."

Nick takes a drag of her cig and immediately coughs. “See, there’s a reason I didn’t smoke these. Had the same pack in my purse for, like, a year.”

“Why d’you carry them around, then?” Mesh cackles.

Nick shrugs. “I reckon s’a good icebreaker. Everyone needs a light. Made some mates that way.” Nick snuffles a laugh and wipes her face with the back of her hand. “Oof… I’m a mess.”

“No, you’re not,” Mesh says, the way he always does. He goes in and gives her a cuddle, wrapping his arms tight around her.

“Thanks.” Nick laughs and snuffles, squeezing Mesh’s shoulder with her free hand. She takes her hand back, running her fingers through her pillow-mussed wig.

Mesh sits back with a cheek on one palm, watches Nick ash her cigarette on the edge of a saucer, and then put it out after her one puff. 

“It’s just…” Nick sighs and tucks her legs under her. She reaches back to tug at a lock of hair behind her ear, still fussing with it. “It does hurt to hear that.”

“Yeah,” Mesh says softly. “I know. Come here.”

Nick nods, and lets Mesh lead her back down to the pillows. Mesh strokes her hair, nudging Nick’s ankle with his foot just to get a smile.

"Nick, can I say something?"

"Of course."

“Maybe I’m just PMSing but…” Mesh trails off, unsure if there's any meaning behind Nick’s stiffening shoulders. “Sometimes s’like you’re just venting, y’know? And I’m just here—not here as me, but here like I’m just a piece of the furniture. Like it doesn’t matter if it’s me, or anyone.”

“Mm-hmm.” Nick nods. "I haven't meant to be airing you."

"I just want to feel like, when you're with me, you're really with me. Present, and all."

“You’re the one I want to tell, though,” Nick says. “It’s not just anyone, it’s _you_ , yeah? You’re the one I come back to. Always.” 

"Yeah." Mesh bites his lip against a smile. “Not just the weed talking?”

“No. For real.” Nick shakes her head, suddenly more serious. She kisses him, open-mouthed and without abandon, her hand pressed against his chest. He can feel her warmth beneath the grey hoodie he's wearing. Heat rises to his face as he loses himself in the moment.

Mesh strokes Nick's arm, running his fingers over the fluffy collar of her robe and tracing the dip down to her cleavage. There's lace peeking out, a black lace push-up bra that Mesh traces, delicate under the heavy terry-cloth of the robe.

"You didn't have to do all that for me, angel. I'm literally in joggers."

"Yeah, but." Nick bites her lip shyly. "I want to. I _like_ to."

Nick goes for Mesh's zipper on the hoodie he'd filched from her, discovering the delicate camisole Mesh is concealing.

“This is nice.” Quiet flickers across her face. She worries one lip between her teeth, running her finger along the rounded neck of Mesh’s top. The fabric is hen-party pink. No lace. “Looks good.”

“Yeah, s'the only thing I have tight enough to bind with.” Mesh keeps their eyes on Nick as she runs her fingers over Mesh’s collarbone, over _baby g_ and beyond it, stopping at Mesh’s chest. Nick’s face doesn’t change. “You’re surprised.”

“No, I’m not.” Nick huffs and drops Mesh’s eyes. With her hand still poised on Mesh’s chest, her eyes stay down, focused on the birthday-balloon pink, then flickering over Mesh’s always-outie nipples poking against the fabric.

"Be real with me."

“Alright, yeah, I was a bit surprised. But I’m not surprised in a bad way,” Nick says, smoothing out the fabric wrinkles in her lap. “I just wasn’t expecting it. But I’m glad to see it. I don’t know why I made a face, I genuinely didn’t mean to.”

“Oh, I know you didn’t.” Mesh shrugs, like this is casual. In truth, relief shifts the weight in Mesh's chest so he can finally breathe again.

Nick sounds sincere, and she sure kisses like she’s sincere, so Mesh all but forgets about it as he holds her, toes curling against the duvet, hands wandering over Nick's body.

“I _like_ your cami,” Nick says. “It’s mad cute. The colour is just like that pink from the prom dresses from the eighties, you know—“

“Exactly.” Mesh laughs.

Nick nuzzles the side of Mesh's neck before pressing wet kisses to it, her cooling sweat giving rise to goosebumps in all the places she touches Mesh. Mesh arches his neck to give her more purchase, more surface area to reign over, one cheeky kiss at a time.

Mesh tugs at the belt of Nick's robe, slipping it down her shoulders, and her beauty is in full view. The freckles on her face, the redness in her cheeks, the glee in her eyes especially. The lingerie set turns out to be a pair of plain nana panties, ones that give Nick the bum lift she's always talking about. Mesh squeezes her bum as they kiss deeper, rocking against each other.

After Nick ditches his joggers, she's knelt between his legs in hardly no time at all, kissing a path up his thigh and over his cunt, messy as she kisses his wet slit, messier still as she runs her tongue along the inside of his thigh, her breath hot against his skin.

Nick licks broad, upward strokes over his slit, her tongue flickering at his clit. Mesh's knees go weak immediately, his toes curling as she slows down, like she wants to savour the taste. 

"That's so good, baby..." Mesh says, writhing beneath Nick's hands, splayed out over his thighs, keeping them wide and open as Mesh trembles beneath her touch. Mesh feels the pleasure in his stomach like an ache, but the good kind, the kind where he's toeing the line of being overstimulated.

Nick circles Mesh's clit with her tongue, small little circles that make Mesh's ab muscles quiver. Mesh reaches out, grabs one of Nick's hands and squeezes, needing to be grounded by her, head spinning with how overwhelmingly good it feels. It doesn't just feel good, though, it feels right, it feels so bloody right, to be here with her. It always feels so bloody right with her.

Nick clutches Mesh's hand as she quickens her pace, flicking Mesh's clit over and over as the pleasure builds. She lavishes Mesh's cunt with sloppy kisses, always returning to the peak of his swollen clit, running the flat of her tongue over it. It makes Mesh's forehead hot and sweaty as he gawps at the intensity.

"Yeah, keep doing that..." Mesh pants. "I think I'm gonna come."

"So soon?" But Nick does as she's told, back on those broad, upward strokes, and Mesh crumples with the intensity of his orgasm, shaking through it and reaching out for Nick's hand, needing something to steady him again. Mesh emerges, grinning, bringing Nick up from between his knees and kissing her with every ounce of passion he's got.

"Thank you," Mesh says, feeling weirdly tearful.

"You don't have to thank me, baby."

"I know, but I fancy it."

Nick pulls away, her chin slick with spit. "There's something I need to get." 

Nick scurries over to the closet and digs around. She emerges from the closet waving a bright pink dildo and a matching pink harness, still attached.

"Have we even used it, you think?" Mesh says, tilting his head.

Nick says. "Or just pranced around in it?" 

"Well, I know I haven't used it," Mesh says. "I remember because I fancied it so much, I wanted to keep it perfect."

"That's dead sentimental."

"I bought it when we went to the shop together, and we just knew it was the one. Just like I knew you were the one when I heard your honking laugh halfway across the quad."

"You're gonna make me cry." Nick rubs her eyes. "You can't cry while holding a dildo, them's rules."

"Put it on," Mesh says, biting his lip past a smile. Nick just makes him want to smile all the time.

"Isn't this a picture!" Nick bounces the strap-on she's wearing. Her dick bounces in tandem with the dildo, both dicks slapping her stomach with an absurd little sound.

"Oh my god, baby." Mesh gasps. "It's perfect."

"Now I'm a woman with not one, but _two_ dicks! it's hilarious. So weirdly ironic and, like, wonderful."

"It looks absolutely perfect." Mesh laughs freely, encouraged by the laugh lines next to Nick's eyes and the slapping noises she's _still_ making bouncing the dildo around. "It suits you so much."

"And I want to be called Sir."

Mesh cackles. "If you insist."

"Not really. Just flexing my power. I feel like my truest self with this on. Is that silly? I mean, it's _so_ glittery and _so_ pink..."

"And probably the perfect shape to give me that g-spot orgasm you keep promising."

"Excuse me, I keep _all_ my promises."

"Can you please just get over here and fuck me? Please? Is that so much to ask?"

"Mouthy..." Nick says, one hand on her hip. "I suppose I could."

"There's some coconut oil in the drawer."

"I know where the coconut oil is, ta. We've done this a few times before, reckon."

"Sorry, just..." Mesh takes a breath. "I haven't really felt in the mood lately and I think there's a part of me that wants to run with this, you know?"

"That makes sense." Nick takes a step closer to the bed. "You wanna seize the opportunity."

"Yeah, and I'm not gonna want anything once I'm actually, like, bleeding, and I'm sure you won't, either—"

"Now that's where you're wrong, baby. I don't mind shagging when you're on your period." Nick shrugs. "Just get some towels and you're good to go. I mean, maybe not emotionally, but... I really don't mind. I think it might make me feel even closer to you."

"Okay." Mesh's eyes fill with tears again. "Now come over here. We're open for business."

Nick clambers back up onto the bed, kneeling beside Mesh. She hands Mesh the tin of coconut oil so he can smear the oil over the pink dildo and anticipate how it might feel.

The curved dildo has a thin neck and a bulbous head, glittery in the daylight. Mesh reaches down and strokes Nick's stomach, then lower, where her skin meets the pink leather of the harness.

"Hey, Nick, uh." Mesh tilts his head. "Did you _condition_ your bush?" 

"Makes it feel nice." Nick shrugs. "Luxurious."

Mesh snuffles a laugh and admits, "Yeah, does."

Nick puts her hand on her hip. "You're judging me."

"I'm not!" Mesh laughs. "I just want to understand."

"That's literally it. What, you don't condition yours?" 

"Don't have one," Mesh protests, giggling. "As you well know..."

"Oh, of course." Nick smirks. She tilts her head thoughtfully and runs her hand up Mesh's leg, gliding along the curve of his knee, and beyond. "You ready?"

"Almost." Mesh takes a generous handful of the coconut oil from the glass jar and strokes the dildo, making it slick so it can glide, impossibly perfect, into him. He reaches beneath the harness so he can run a finger along Nick's dick and lower to the soft pucker of her bollocks, changed so much with the estrogen.

 _Some_ things have stayed the same. The gleam of mischief in Nick's eyes, the perfect arch of her eyebrows, the deftness of her huge hands, the way her dick flushes pink when she's turned on.

Nick settles herself back between Mesh's legs. "I refuse to come until you come again."

"Tough bargain you run...." Mesh laughs. "Mean."

Nick's grinning. "Go on. Tell me about how mean I am."

"So mean," Mesh sighs, lounging back against the pillows. "Bossy as all get out."

"I'm sweltering in here." Nick takes off her wig unceremoniously, huffing. Her natural hair is dark brown, the colour of Mesh's eyes. 

"Can I try something?" Mesh reaches out when Nick bows her head so Mesh can finger-comb her hair, from a messy zig-zag part into a deep side part.

"It looks cute," Nick says, grinning at her reflection in the mirror.

"Your face looks all angular now." Mesh smiles, gone soft at the intimacy. "I like the red, but this frames your face, you know?"

"Yeah, I like it. Thank you, baby." Nick bends down to kiss Mesh, one hand gone down to clutch the dildo and steady it. She guides it into Mesh with a hand at the base of it, her hips instinctively tilting up to bring them closer.

Mesh gasps at the fullness, the bulb of the dildo pressing inside him like Nick does with the crook of three curved fingers. It feels so good his pulse jumps, and instinctively he looks up for Nick's face to steady him. She's gently smirking, a flush on her chest just like the blush on Mesh's own face.

"I've got you," Nick says. "What do you need?"

"Bit too much," Mesh says. "Maybe just outside, for now?"

Nick angles back, one hand leaving Mesh's knee so she can wrap her hand around the base of the glitter dick and pull it out, She rubs gently at Mesh's slit, teasing him with the head of the dildo.

"That's much better," Mesh says, his breath coming out in a rush. "Slow, like that."

Mesh opens his eyes to take it all in: Nick in her lacy, snug bra, her gorgeous scars from becoming the person she always knew she was, ruddy pink stretch marks along her chest, belly, and thighs. Nick's broad hands and delicate wrists, clutching Mesh's knees like he's something precious. The dildo, nudging against his slit, full and rounded in a way that no cock has ever felt.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you?" Mesh says.

"This is all I want, baby." Nick smiles. "It's that look on your face. That's what I want."

"Kiss me," Mesh says, sitting up on his elbows. 

Nick comes closer, kneeling between his legs again but leaning down so she can kiss Mesh full on the mouth. The glitter dick nudges against Mesh's belly.

Mesh wraps his arms around her, squeezing the back of her neck and then lower to her arse with his other hand where he knows there's gorgeous marks, too. He unclasps her bra and cups her tits, squeezing hard with both hands.

"Oh, shit." Nick laughs through a moan. "Bite me, would you?"

Mesh ducks down and starts with Nick's neck, swooping over the arch of her collarbone and down to her tits, licking her nipples in time with the cascade of soft sounds coming from her mouth. Mesh sinks his teeth into one breast, sucking hard enough to leave a mark.

"That's so good, baby." Nick cups Mesh's head, stroking the soft fuzz of his buzz cut. 

Mesh marks her other breast, too, with teeth and tongue, enough to leave a mark for days. Heat rises to his face and he feels proud, proud because he knows Nick will go out of her way to show it off. She's making these gorgeous sounds as Mesh bites her, deep groans and soft little mewls. The sounds resonate in Mesh's chest because they're real.

Nick used to be quieter, when they first started going out. She'd release these demure little huffs and gentle little gasps, but over time she let all of her defenses down, and Mesh smiles knowing how far they've both come. It's second nature now, being as real as they are. Nick doesn't have to pretend anymore; she just exists, in the shameless glory of her low moans and the unmistakable beauty of her ever-evolving body.

"Let me," Nick says, pulling away. She ducks her head down against Mesh's chest, nuzzling against the soft pink cotton of the camisole and running her tongue along Mesh's collarbone. "Can I?"

"Yeah," Mesh says, nodding shakily. He's not sure what Nick is asking for, but he knows it's important he says yes. He'd trust Nick with anything.

Nick's gentle as she pushes down the straps of Mesh's camisole, and Mesh instinctively moves his arms out of the way, to create space for what comes next.

Mesh is holding his breath as Nick pulls down the top and his breasts emerge. Small as they are, Mesh flinches at the release as they bounce freely, uncontained. 

"You are so ridiculously fit." Nick says, a laugh in her eyes and admiration in her voice.

"I know." Mesh laughs, breathless. There's sass in his tone, but relief, too, building into something bigger as Nick kisses his chest, her lips soft and fleeting as butterfly wings. He relaxes into it and lets Nick drink in every bit of intimacy he wants to give. Mesh breathes deep and catches the scent of Nick's shampoo. "Is that kiwi-strawberry?" 

"Smells just like the lip gloss, right?" Nick sits up and grins.

"Reminds me of being seven. But, like, in a good way."

"There's a story there, isn't it."

"My mum would always get me lip gloss and Mia would always filch it from me. I swear, she took ten one year."

"That explains a lot, actually," Nick says. "No wonder we never have her over."

"Rude!" Mesh snorts a laugh. "You know she's in Brighton."

"I still want to meet her, whenever she comes in. I've got to tell her she has very sophisticated taste."

"I'll pass the message on." Mesh grins. He leans down to kiss Nick on her freckled shoulder, right on her Saint Dolly tattoo. "And speaking of stories... What's the story behind her?"

"My guardian angel," Nick says, like it's obvious. "Alexa doodled that for me after we saw her at Glasto. Wept all the way through 'Coat of Many Colours'. Plus, my dad used to call me Dolly when I was being really camp. I could never tell if he was being affectionate, or just mocking me... which really is my relationship with Pete in a nutshell. Or, well. Was."

"Shall I bruise you on the Pete tattoo, then?"

"Oh, please don't. Way too on-the-nose. Masochist that I am." Nick snorts a laugh and then she goes quiet.

Nick doesn't talk much about her family. Says there's no point in dwelling on the little girl she never got to be. Insists she has all the family she needs right here in London. Eileen cried when Nick told her, but Jane is still her best friend, and that's really all Mesh knows.

"You want to give this another go?" Nick asks, motioning toward the proud glitter dick she's still wearing. Her luxurious bush presses against the confines of the harness, refusing to be contained. Nothing about Nick is containable. It's why Mesh is so bloody in love with her.

"Yeah, but could I ride you?"

"My lap is all yours." Nick grins, unabashed, pleased and confident and somehow brighter than ever, and all it took was a certain curved piece of silicone. The bright pink of the dildo sets off the soft pink in her freckled skin, the red in her smudged lipstick, and it's more perfect than Mesh ever could have imagined.

Nick clambers over to the head of the bed, setting up a pillow for her to lean against.

Mesh holds his breath as he climbs on top of her, releases it when Nick grabs him by the hips and guides him down onto the dildo. The head of the dildo presses right against his g-spot, so Mesh slows down, pauses to adjust to the intensity.

"This is so much better than shagging cis men." Nick giggles.

"Yeah?" Mesh says, breathless. He rolls his hips softly back and forth, bites his lip at the fullness deep inside him. "How so?"

"It's just really, really nice to feel like I can be myself." Nick looks Mesh in the eyes, "I mean, I love Michael, but shagging him is really boring sometimes."

"Not queer enough?" Mesh laughs, settles both hands on Nick's shoulders.

"I mean, yeah." Nick laughs. "Toys and things are fun, but he's just not into it."

"Too bad," Mesh says, going breathless as Nick's hands explore his back and roam upward to squeeze the back of his neck. "That's really nice, baby."

Nick kisses Mesh, tilts her hips up to fuck into Mesh properly. "Like that?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's good." Mesh pants against Nick's mouth, his hands tightening on her shoulders. He splays one hand out on her chest, where a tiny bandage rubs against his palm. Pixie does a good job maintaining what little chest hair Nick has left, but she must have slipped and nicked her. "So good."

Nick's smirking now, holding Mesh's eyes as she thrusts gently upward into him. "I love being inside you. Special, innit?"

"Yeah." Mesh goes weak at that, feeling Nick's words resonate through her as Nick's hands squeeze her hips. "Why is it that I can rehearse for six hours and be fine, but _this_ has me literally quivering."

Nick grins. "I reckon this dick is made of magic."

"I wouldn't be surprised." Mesh snorts a laugh. "You're made of magic, if anybody is." 

"I just try really hard." Nick tosses her hair, self-deprecation blatant in her voice.

"You don't have to, though." Mesh cups her cheek and kisses her, big and open-mouthed; kisses her loudly, their tongues sliding together in a notion of complete acceptance.

Nick moves her hips more slowly, her thrusts lingering, the pleasure warming Mesh's chest and twisting in his belly. It's almost overwhelming, to look Nick in the face as she fucks him, her face open and satisfied with the pleasure she's giving him. Mesh's clit throbs with Nick's slow thrusts, and he reaches down to touch himself.

"Yeah, baby, go on..." Nick says, urging him on with the smile in her eyes and the way she squeezes Mesh's arse, fully wanting him to chase his own pleasure.

Mesh holds onto Nick's shouder with one hand, slipping the other between his legs to hold his clit with the tips of two fingers, stroking in time with his rocking against Nick.

Nick lurches forward, running her lips softly against the curve of Mesh's throat before nuzzling down to his shoulder, biting so hard that Mesh shudders at the delicious pain.

"Harder," Mesh gasps. "Feels so good."

Mesh shudders again as Nick bites his neck, enough to make his mind go blank with the heady pain of it, fierce and wonderful, like she wants everyone to know they belong to each other. Mesh has learned to wears his bruises proudly. It's important to let the world know who you are, especially if the message sent is that you're a slag. Nick's a proud slag, after all. _Mesh's_ proud slag.

"I feel it in my chest," Mesh says, panting. "You were onto something with this."

"You picked this one out," Nick says. "Of course it was going to be good."

"Hits my spot perfectly." Mesh's voice shakes. He strokes his clit slower, running the tip of his thumb over the peak as he grows more overwhelmed, face flushing as he starts to lose control. Mesh rocks against Nick with more urgency, seeking out a steady rhythm as Nick keeps his thighs spread wide. He feels so beautifully exposed like this, riding Nick with his top pulled down and his chest out in the open, his nipples peaking even without Nick touching him there. A calmness settles over him as he looks into her eyes. He's definitely going to come again.

Mesh burrows into the crook of Nick's neck, her hands exploring his back and keeping him steady as he rocks back and forth, the dildo rubbing his spot with every motion. Mesh rubs his clit with the spit-slick flat of his palm, the friction bringing him closer and closer. His face grows hot and he lets out a sound like a sob when he comes, the pleasure resonating with each clench against the head of the glitter dick, his clit throbbing as he weathers the wave of it, clinging to Nick until he's spent.

"Wow." Mesh laughs, breathless. "My hands aren't enough, usually."

"Me and my vibrator are best friends," Nick says. "So I get it."

"I just, like." Mesh pauses to catch his breath and dismount from the dildo. He stays where he is, sitting on Nick's lap, facing her. "Never thought it was really possible."

"Cora says things are different when you're on T, too. Good-different."

"You know how Cora exaggerates, though."

"Yeah." Nick laughs. "At least, things were different for her and Kai. Different positions work that didn't work before. Different kinds of touch, too."

"If I'm honest, I'm still bricking it about the T thing."

"Well, I'll be there. I'm taking you to your appointment."

"Yeah..." Mesh goes quiet. He gets up, feet hitting the floor as he walks to the en-suite shakily. He wees with the door open. He pauses before he gets up, mind whirring with uncertainties.

"You good?" Nick says. She's stood up, too, the dildo glistening wet and shiny in the afternoon sunlight.

"The lube glopped right out of me." Mesh laughs. "It's the weirdest feeling."

"I can imagine." Nick laughs. "Doesn't it, dunno, just go up inside of you?"

Mesh washes his hands and reaches for some clothes, slipping on a clean pair of joggers, along with a big top that swallows his shape up, concealing his athletic figure and his gentle curves.

"No, it glops out afterward, mostly. Didn't you take sex ed?"

Nick snorts a laugh in response.

"Me either."

"But you're so good at sex!" Nick gasps, feigning shock.

"Self-taught." Mesh grins. "Actually, some self-taught, and some 'in a dark, smelly bedroom at a kegger' taught."

"You learned your best moves at keggers?"

"Don't ruin it."

Nick laughs. She takes off the harness and the dildo, lays it down on a towel she's set out on Mesh's bed, to be cleaned later. She dresses, too, in an oversized Annie Mac shirt she tucks in to a silky skirt that's just short enough to show off her legs. 

"I have to go soon." Nick glances at her phone for the time. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

Mesh sits beside her on the edge of the bed. "I know I use male pronouns, but I don't always feel like a man. Does that make sense?"

"Yes." Nick nods. "Go on."

"I don't know if I'm ready for the world to see me as a man, if I'm not even bloody sure I am one."

Nick clicks her tongue sympathetically, and she doesn't say anything, leaving space for Mesh.

"None of the labels feel like they suit me. Like, properly suit me. Because I like being feminine sometimes, like when I do drag, or when you lend me your lipstick. But I'm not sure what to call that."

"You can be gender-queer. That's a totally valid thing to be."

Mesh shrugs, his mind crowded. It all feels so complicated, this messy gender business. He crosses his arms across his chest, eyes cast down to the pattern of his paisley print quilt.

"Hey," Nick say, rubbing Mesh's shoulder. "It's okay. It's okay to not know. Being on T doesn't mean you're choosing just one thing. Being on T just means you're choosing to take something that helps you feel more like you, whatever that happens to be."

"You're right," Mesh says, nodding. He feels a little lighter. 

"Nothing has to change, not unless you want it to."

"Okay," Mesh says, biting his lip. He turns and kisses Nick, one hand clasped on the back of her neck to keep her close. "You're still coming to my drag show, right?"

"I think I'm seeing Michael that night. Could I bring him?"

"Yeah, bring anyone you want, baby."

"I'm sure he'll love your set."

Mesh knows what Nick sees in Michael, but they're still an odd pairing. Nick has her loud charisma where Michael has his quiet charm. Nick craves the spotlight and Michael shies away at every turn. But they bond over pets and tattoos, especially where they intersect. Nick has a tattoo for her puppy on her arm, and Michael shaved his head so he could get a tribute to his cat inked on the back of his neck. They both love a night in with a curry, and have stacks on stacks of fashion magazines in their closets. In a way, they're perfectly suited. Mesh understands why Michael makes Nick so happy.

"I'm excited," Mesh says, sitting on the bed. "I've been practicing my routine with Rita, and she rated it."

"Can't believe you've kept it a secret this long."

"I know." Mesh laughs. "Sometimes secrets make things better, though. I'm gonna knock your socks off."

"Always do." Nick laughs. She lays down next to Mesh on the bed, eager to be the big spoon. 

"I have the perfect Lil Kim song arranged, one that makes me feel all sassy and confident."

"Yes! That's so important." Nick presses her cheek against Mesh's shoulder, arms wrapped around him.

"I feel good now," Mesh says quietly. "I feel like I understand the way you see me."

"Baby, that's huge." Nick gives her a cuddle.

"I just feel like me now. Like _Mesh_ right now." Mesh gets a little louder. "And I don't want that feeling to go away."

"It might, because that's how feelings are," Nick says. "They're fleeting, or at least mine are. But that's alright, because when it goes away, all you have to do is call me and I'm here, to affirm you. You've got to have somebody, and I'm your somebody. I'm your person. You know that, right?"

"I do," Mesh says, looking her deep in the eyes. "I just don't always feel it."

"Baby, I will always make time for you. You're _my_ person, too." Nick looks down at her hands and takes off one of her rings, a chunky silver ring with a jade inset. It fits on Mesh's middle finger, the ring proud and borderline ostentatious: Nick's favourite.

"There, have that."

"Nick, I can't."

"You will, so I'll always be with you. You have to wear it to your show. Maybe you could work in a fight scene where you punch somebody, so people can properly see it."

"Fits perfect with my Lil Kim persona." Mesh laughs. "I'll give you a preview of my act. Maybe a little shimmy, a little crowd work..."

"I'd love nothing more," Nick says. 

Mesh grabs his mobile to pull up Spotify. "The song is _Lady Marmalade_."

Nick claps her hands excitedly. "Perfect!"

"I can't wait for you to see me."

Nick cuddles Mesh closer. "I always do."

**Author's Note:**

> for those of you on tumblr, i've got [a post up on my blog](https://misowithlizo.tumblr.com/post/640606201643778048) about it. reblogs & recs are always appreciated! <3


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